Month: May 2016

Simplistick #4

13271444_10209130788046615_673787282_o

Ignore the facts that A) It’s super-unclear that this is two different panels, B) no one has ever named an event simply “Feminism Rally,” and C) the lady speaking seems to grow hair exclusively on the top of her head. I kinda had to focus all my brain power on trying to draw an at least somewhat recognizable version of The Thing, so hopefully you’ll give me a pass here. I am bad at drawing.

Simplistick #1

Tan Options

This bears some explaining. I tend to think visually, so when something about life or the way we use language strikes me as funny, it’s because it has caused me to picture something bizarre or silly. Wanting to share these images, but being in no way inclined toward the visual arts, I really only have a couple of options: on one hand, I could use a bunch of words to describe what I’m picturing, but my wife has assured me that this option is to laughter what the current U.S. presidential election is to optimism and faith in the inherent goodness of mankind at large. This leaves me with the second option: concentrate real hard and sketch out an approximation of what I find so dang funny with some simplistic stick figures. So, to make that last sentence less awkwardly repetitive at the end there, I’ve elected to name this (very loosely defined) webcomic “Simplistick.” The first five are a backlog, and will thus come in pretty regular succession. After that, all bets are off. Here we go.

The Old Man and the C:\ Drive

An old man sat in his living room, a roaring fire to his right and four of his grandchildren seated on the floor in front of him. “I remember,” the elder wistfully intoned as he leaned back in his gently humming hover-recliner, new from Hammacher Schlemmer and now available at a Sharper Image store near you, “I remember when, if you wanted to play a video game on your PC, ya had to go to the store and buy a disc, sometimes two. DLC was called ‘expansion packs’ back then,” he continued, as his grandchildren just sat there vaping because apparently that nonsense sticks around for a while, “and ya had to go out and buy those on discs, too. Microtransactions were called ‘cheat codes,’ and they were free. And if you wanted to shout unoriginal obscenities and nonsensical racial slurs at other players online, ya had to type it. With your hands!”

“But grandpa,” piped up his grandson, Tyrion Tumblrpage, exhaling just the hugest vape-cloud, you don’t even know, bro. “What about ethics in video game journ-” A muted “thud” sounded as Tyrion was cut off by a vicious running knee from his grandpa, one he never saw coming.

“Sorry, kid,” said the old man as he helped the child sit back up and collect his teeth, “instinct kinda took over for a second there.” Easing back down into his chair, the man folded his hands and let out a deep sigh. “Anyway,” he continued, “you’ve heard me talk about this a thousand times, I’m sure, so I’ll stop boring you all. Pass me the remote, will ya? I wanna see how Deflategate’s goin’.”

**Epilogue**
The old man turned his gaze to the television, raising the remote and changing the channel, only to find a blank screen bearing a simple message in a large, golden font: “By order of Supreme Classy Leader With Huge Hands Who Everybody Loves Donald Trump, the NFL has been disbanded, to be replaced with the return of the XFL. Stay tuned for infomercials for steak and bottled water.”